


its the purest element, but it's so volatile

by Otherworldliness



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Boyfriend Era, First Time Bottoming, Internalized Homophobia, It's really just Robert having a breakdown in a hotel bathroom, Lots and lots of sex, M/M, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 23:43:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21107936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otherworldliness/pseuds/Otherworldliness
Summary: “I want you to top me.”The words felt as if they were being pushed out of him. His heart was beating a mile a minute in protest, making his hands shake where they clutched furiously at the duvet. It was practically first thing in the morning, the two of them still in bed while Aaron scrolled through his phone carelessly, and Robert couldn't tell what had made his mind decide that now was the best time to bring it up. Maybe because it knew that if he didn't now, then he never would.Aaron just looked at him like he was insane. “You what?”





	its the purest element, but it's so volatile

**Author's Note:**

> This probably wasn't what you guys were expecting to see from me next and, honestly, this isn't what I thought I was going to write next. But then I became increasingly aware that this fandom believes Robert first bottomed during Home Farm week, which is not only wrong but also a direct offense on my person. So I figured I'd offer a more correct alternative.  
Title from 'Strangeness and Charm' by Florence and the Machine.

The first time it happened, they'd barely been back together two weeks.

Robert had been staying over almost every night since, the two of them starting off sleeping on opposite sides of the bed like schoolboys at their first sleepovers until, eventually, Aaron had breached the distance between them one night by putting a tentative hand in the space separating them. And maybe Robert wasn't always the best at respecting people's boundaries, but he respected _Aaron's,_ so when he'd seen the olive branch he'd taken it; holding the hand Aaron had offered and gently leading him onto his chest for the first time in what really had been forever.

And they'd been sleeping like that for over a week, Aaron snuggling himself up against Robert's chest as the two of them tangled themselves together comfortably. And maybe some nights Robert had felt the small beginnings of desire spark in his stomach whenever Aaron pressed against something he probably shouldn't have, but he'd never acted on it. Wouldn't dare to. Because, yes, he loved sex, but he loved Aaron more. He'd gladly have gone the rest of his life without sex again if it meant he could lay with Aaron like that every night.

OK, maybe he wouldn't go_ that _far. But still, he was willing to wait. For however long Aaron needed him to.

Which is what brought them to the first time.

That day had been a hard one. Liv had been on some sort of bender (although Robert would argue that she was_ always _on one) and had been dragged into the back of the Woolie by a red-faced Bernice, who had ranted and raved about how she and Gabby had emptied every bottle with even the smallest percentage of alcohol in it that was in her house. And despite the two of them managing to wrangle Bernice out before she could threaten anything worse than _you won't be seeing the inside of our house for a month, _the day didn't let up on them. Liv made sure of that; her drunk self being even more cocky than her sober one, taking every reprimand they tried to give her, spinning it around and slamming it back into their faces. In the end, it had taken them almost two hours to get a pint glass of water down her before finally sending her up to bed.

So it was suffice to say that the two of them had been tired that night. Tired enough that Robert hadn't had the energy to walk back to Vic's to pick up something to sleep in, and Aaron the mind to consider that maybe simply shrugging off their clothes and sleeping in their briefs wasn't exactly a good idea.

(An incredibly foolish move, really. They should've known what would happen if they mixed the two of them and bare skin.)

Robert had been woken up by the heat. It was only May, and it was only _England_, but it felt as if a UV lamp had been placed over the bed; sending wave after wave of unbearable heat down onto his body. Slowly, he'd opened his eyes and spared a glance at the clock, which had glared 3:40 AM back at him. He'd let out a groan, and would've made to turn onto his side.

If it weren't for the weight on his chest.

Because somehow in the night Aaron had moved himself almost completely on top of Robert, the proximity of their bodies under the thick duvet causing the heat Robert was feeling. Aaron's head had been tucked almost neatly under Robert's chin; their height difference meaning that like that they were shoulder to shoulder, chest to chest.

Groin to groin.

He hadn't noticed it before, but it was the shift – the tiny movement he'd made when he'd tried to turn – that had done it. Where before there was only the glaring heat, now there was something else; hard and prominent, pressing right into his dick.

Robert's first mistake had been gasping. Maybe he would've gotten away with it if it had only been the shift, but no, the sharp rise and fall of his chest had been the nail in the coffin as just as soon as it was let out Aaron replied in a small groan.

Then, with his own intake of breath.

Neither of them had moved. Barely breathed. But the longer they'd done that, the worse the pressure below them had gotten; the weight of Aaron's body above him seeming to increase as the seconds went by. And the worst part of it all was that he'd known just how easy it could've been. To just move his hips that little bit, to turn the pressure into pleasure. It had been so long since Robert had been this intimate with another person and the thought of ending his abstinence had almost made him delirious. He probably wouldn't have lasted a second longer.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, came, “Rob?”

His voice had been hoarse from sleep, and God knows what else, but Robert had still heard it, the thousand words hidden in such a small question. And it had almost knocked him back, everything that he'd felt in that moment; the love, the desire, the relief. It had been with a deep breath that he'd said,

“Yeah.”

Aaron's response had been small, but instantaneous. He'd shifted his head gently to the side and pecked a kiss against Robert's collarbone – then another, then another, then another. The slight prickle of his beard on his skin had almost been enough to do it for him, really anything would've done in that moment, but what had_ really_ done it, what had sent every nerve in his body into a frenzy, was this: Aaron moving to place a kiss on his neck, his hips riding hot and thick up against his own in the process.

The sound he'd released had been inhumane, the friction making his cock feel like it was on fire. It was the sound that made Aaron release his hands from where they'd been trapped somewhere under the duvet; using one to hold himself above Robert like a burning star in the sky and the other to grab under Robert's knee, slinging the leg up and around his waist, pressing their hips as close together as they could go.

Looking back, Robert knew now that this really should've been the point where he tried to stop it. Should've put a hand on Aaron's shoulder and asked if he was actually okay with this. But he'd been able to feel the whole length of Aaron's cock against him, and any blood that could've been in his brain was instead making his dick throb like it had a life of his own, so even though they'd never discussed it, never really defined what sex was going to be like now they were back together, he'd reached a hand towards Aaron with the force of a starving man grabbing at a beef burger and pulled their faces together; kissing him with every ounce of his pent-up desire and frustration.

From there his memory was a haze of Aaron's tongue gliding hotly in his mouth and his hips moving at a pace that would envy an Olympic gold medallist. He remembered this, though – the building slick of pre-cum in their briefs making the glide and drag of their movements emit the most obscene sound Robert had ever heard in his life. If Robert's toes hadn't been curled before that point then they definitely were afterwards, as he'd thrown his head back at the first sound of it; leaving his neck open for Aaron's mouth to attack.

But he also remembered another thing; something not as pleasant.

He'd been so close to finishing. He'd been able to feel it in his gut, that swooping feeling you'd get before the drop on a roller coaster, increasing with every move of their bodies. Bucking his hips up harder as he'd chased that feeling, he'd scrambled his hands down Aaron's back in blind desperation, running them down, down, down, until he'd put a hand right under Aaron's briefs and onto the meat of his arse.

He'd merely wanted to find a way to pull his boyfriend closer to him, to fill in any possible space between them. In doing so he'd squeezed him tightly, letting a finger lay right in the crack of his arse, just above his hole.

A mistake, to put it lightly.

It was as if Aaron had been on auto-pilot. Within a second their hips had been separated – and replacing them? Aaron's knee, moving at the speed of light from beside Robert's hip into his groin, making him yell in a way that he certainly hadn't been doing just a minute before.

Aaron had jumped back as if he was the one being kneed. Robert had clutched his legs together, rolling onto his side as he'd groaned in pain.

“Robert?” Aaron had asked, tentatively and after a few minutes of numbly watching him. “Are you... are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he'd said, but it was through gritted teeth. “Yeah, I just need a minute.”

“I'm sorry.” It had been said in a way that was so tiny and full of remorse that any anger Robert may have felt had dissipated, leaving him only with concern. “I'm really sorry,” Aaron had said again. “I don't know what happened, I-”

Robert had shushed him and slowly turned so he was on his back again. “It's alright,” he'd said, meaning it. “Just...come back here, yeah? We can talk about whatever just happened in the morning.”

They never did. Robert had still had no clue how to get Aaron to communicate, if he was being honest, and it was clear that Aaron didn't want to talk about it. So he'd left it, hoping that in time whatever had caused his reaction would solve itself.

(It hadn't.)

The next time it happened wasn't even three days later, back in Aaron's bedroom at about midday. They'd both bunked off work just to spend a couple of hours alone together while everyone else in their lives were busy; laying on their sides, fully clothed, kissing softly. It had all gone wrong this time when, in a moment of forgetfulness, Robert had reached an arm around Aaron's head and tried to push himself on top of him. This time Aaron had kneed him in the gut, sending Robert flying off the bed; making a very loud _thump_ when he'd hit the ground. As Robert had tried to regain his breath on the floor, Aaron had again let out a string of sorrys as he'd covered his face with his hands in horror.

The third time, they'd been on the sofa at Vic's. Honestly, Robert still couldn't pinpoint what exactly had set Aaron off this time – all he knew was that one second the two of them had been watching some crappy action movie that Aaron loved while Robert held a loose arm around his shoulder, and the next Aaron was jumping out of his seat; eyes wide and on edge like a cat that had just heard a door slam.

And it had happened again and again and again. Each time in different situations, but in ways that became more and more obvious that the issue was touch. Or, more specifically, touch that put Aaron in a place that was _vulnerable_. Throughout their affair Aaron had never had an issue with bottoming, only asking for a role reversal once during their Easter week at Home Farm and had readily accepted Robert's refusal when he'd given it. But it seemed that revisiting what happened with Gordon had left him terrified at the thought of it in a way that he was unable to control. And of course Robert missed having sex, especially having sex with Aaron, but he knew that the issue was greater than that. Eventually he knew that it would drive them crazy; dancing around the topic of sex, continuing to make-out until Aaron's psyche kicked in, never fully getting that intimacy back again.

So it was with that in mind that Robert had come up with a solution.

“I want you to top me.”

The words felt as if they were being pushed out of him. His heart was beating a mile a minute in protest, making his hands shake where they clutched furiously at the duvet. It was practically first thing in the morning, the two of them still in bed while Aaron scrolled through his phone carelessly, and Robert couldn't tell what had made his mind decide that _now_ was the best time to bring it up. Maybe because it knew that if he didn't now, then he never would.

Aaron just looked at him like he was insane. “You _what_?”

“You heard me,” he said, not believing he could make the words come out of him again. But Aaron kept looking at him blankly. “I want us to have sex. And I want you to be on top.”

“What's brought this on?” Aaron asked. He was looking at him with an intensity so deep it made Robert want to run.

“Because _you_ clearly don't want to.” It was a bad choice of words. He knew it as soon as he said it, his anxiousness making him malicious, and Aaron's face immediately turned sour.

“Right,” he ground out slowly. “I see. Even now, after everything, it's still only about sex for you.”

“_No_-” Aaron tried to get out of bed, but Robert grabbed his arm. “Aaron, we both know that this thing with Gordon has effected you more than you're letting on-”

Aaron scoffed, “Yeah, no fucking shit.”

“- _and_ I know that it's frustrating you just as much as it's frustrating me. So I figured... well, if you don't want to do it, then why don't I?”

Rolling his eyes, Aaron pulled his arm out of Robert's grasp and headed for the door.

“I've never let a man touch me in that way before,” he burst out, his heart practically in his throat. Aaron paused. “And I – I want it to be you. I want you to be my first.” He felt sick with the admission, the shame and hatred at having these desires rearing their ugly head. “I don't... I don't just want to do it because you can't, even though, yeah, that's the biggest part of it, but I want to do it because it's _you_ that'll be doing it, alright?”

Aaron simply stared at him, showing that same intensity that this time made him want to tear his own skin off. The intensity was one of _knowing_, and that was one of the things that made Aaron so addictive – that easy way he seemed to understand him. Sometimes in a way that was better than he understood himself.

“Never?”

“Never.”

Slowly, Aaron sat back down on the bed. “You shouldn't feel like you have to give me your first time because I'm fucked up, Rob.”

“I'm doing this because I_ want_ to,” he stressed. “And because we both know that we can't keep going on like we are.”

“Yeah, because _I'm_ the one with the issue. Robert, doing that for the first time is a big deal, you should let me sort myself out instead of pushing yourself into this.”

“Who says I'm pushing myself?” Aaron glared at him. “Fine, then sometimes pushing yourself is a _good_ thing. And I've already told ya – I want to do this. Pushing myself or not.”

Aaron bit his bottom lip in thought, clearly still unconvinced. “And if I hurt ya?”

“Do you honestly think that I wouldn't tell you to stop if you did?” he asked, trying to hide his growing frustration. This was taking a lot more convincing than he thought it would. “Aaron, do you want to have sex with me?”

Scowling, he said, “Don't be daft.”

“Do ya?”

“You know I do.”

“Then what's the harm in trying?” he shrugged. “If I don't like it, then I don't like it. If you still can't handle it, then you still can't handle it. At least we can say we _tried_. And if it all goes wrong, then we can figure out a way to get each other off that doesn't include you increasing my chances of infertility, yeah?”

He got a smile from that, but it didn't sit right on Aaron's face. “Are you really sure about this?”

Robert took his hands in his own, giving them a squeeze. “Completely.”

If there was one thing Robert Sugden knew about himself, it was that he was a liar.

When he'd said he was fine with it he'd thought he'd meant it. Or, at least, had convinced himself he had. But now he was stood over the sink in their hotel room's ensuite, feeling every bit like in any second he was going to unload his insides into it, he wasn't so sure anymore. They'd booked the room a few days before; deciding that if they were going to do this, then it needed to at least be in a place where they'd be allowed to make a little bit of noise. It hadn't even hit midday yet, almost eight hours before he and Aaron had agreed to meet, but Robert had been at the hotel for over an hour. Because if there was anything else Robert Sugden knew about himself, it was that he wasn't an idiot. He'd known that there were things he'd have to do to prepare himself.

But now that it was time for him to do them, he was bottling it.

It had been the same the first time he'd had sex with a man. Except that time it had been afterwards that he'd had his freak out, running into the stranger's bathroom after he was sure the man was asleep. He'd been twenty, incredibly drunk and in the mood to piss off his Dad, even if the old man would have no way of actually knowing what he'd done, because even when he was miles away he still couldn't stop himself from being a disappointment. After throwing up all the vodka, whiskey and whatever else he'd consumed that night, he'd practically ran out of the flat; his feet stuffed messily into his shoes and only one arm successfully pushed through his shirt sleeves.

He hadn't bottomed that night. Hell, they hadn't even done _anal_ that night. They'd given each other sloppy blow jobs – the man's due to the alcohol and Robert's due to inexperience – and passed straight out. They'd barely even_ kissed_. If he'd reacted like that over something so insignificant, then how was he going to react after something like this?

Suddenly, Robert's phone vibrated from inside his jeans pocket. It wasn't until after it vibrated again that Robert was stable enough to pick it up, although his hands still shook violently as he held the phone.

It was Aaron. Because of course it was. _Running into town in a min. Want me to get anything for tonite?_ the first message read. Underneath it, sent a minute later, was a kiss and a heart emoji. The sight of them made him frown – Aaron wasn't one for using emojis, let alone sending a kiss at the end of his messages. He must've thought about it, or so the time difference suggested, must've stared at the screen and antagonised over whether it was too much or not enough. Must've known that Robert needed something extra to reassure him.

God, they hadn't even done it yet and Aaron was already treating him like a girl.

He strode into the bedroom and hurled his phone onto the bed; not caring if fell off and onto the floor and broke. Then, before he could even walk back into the bathroom, realised that he actually _did_ need stuff, ran back into the room and sent a simple _Just the normal – lube and condoms_ before propelling the phone away from him as if it burned. He didn't send a kiss back.

The issue during his first time with a man had simply been that it was a man. He was over that now, clearly, and had slept with more men than he had time to think about, but now it was the thought of being dominated, of being at the complete mercy of another man, that was scaring him shitless. Because being the one taking it felt much more _gay_ than being the one giving. Any man could do that, couldn't they? Being on top, fucking someone else, it felt just as good with a woman as it did with a man; there was no difference, really. But being the one on the bottom – that was the role of the inferior, man or woman. And, yes, Robert was okay enough now with himself to be with Aaron, to have the village know he was with Aaron, to have the world know he loved him, and some of the people that knew must've made assumptions about them, if only in passing thought. But it felt like there was a difference in having people assume something and _actually_ having done it.

Even outside of the mental, there was the issue of the physical. In the bathroom, he turned so that he was viewing his side profile in the mirror; moving onto his tiptoes to ensure that he could see the full shape of his arse. Obviously he'd always known why dick size was seen as so important, and had taken part in the bragging and joking of it all over the years, but now he was faced with what that meant he was _scared_. Never had he ever thought about how big or small Aaron was, but now he was Aaron felt impossibly big. How would it ever be able to fit without tearing him apart first? Would it make him bleed? Women bled, didn't they, on their first time? Did the same thing happen for men, too?

But then, despite the weakness in his knees and the turning in his stomach, there really was a part of him that _wanted_ to do it. That wanted to know what it would be like to have Aaron touch him in a way that no one else ever had before. Robert had lied about many things in his life, but not about that. Robert could honestly say that sex with Aaron was simply_ better_ than it ever had been with anyone else – and surely a change in roles wouldn't make it any less euphoric, would it? There had been times in the last few months where he'd missed sex with him so terribly he'd thought it might've cut a hole in him to stop having it, and if this was the price to pay to fill it then could it really be so bad? And Robert knew, deep down, that Aaron would never hurt him, even when he was at his most selfish and cruel. So why would he ever agree to something if he knew it would cause Robert pain?

And that was the thought that started to calm him down as his hands gripped the cold bowl of the sink, breathing deeply and counting randomly in his head. Aaron would never hurt him. Aaron would never let him feel ashamed for doing something that he himself did so often. If he told Aaron that he couldn't do it, then Aaron wouldn't make him.

_Just try it_, he thought, reminding himself of what he'd told Aaron. _Just try it, and see how it goes._

And if there was anything else Robert Sugden knew about himself, it was that he wasn't a quitter.

Slowly, he undid his belt buckle and headed for the shower.

When Robert imagined how this was going to go, he'd thought maybe Aaron would start off rough; crashing into the room, throwing the bag of supplies onto the floor and pushing Robert onto the bed, letting out all the want he'd been holding in for the past few weeks in a round of sex that was hot and desperate. It was how he'd have done it, if this was the other way around. And if not, then he'd thought that Aaron might've tried to be more sensual; stripping each other slowly, taking their time with each other's bodies until Aaron couldn't take it anymore and amped up the speed.

What he _hadn't_ expected was for he and Aaron to still be fully clothed almost an hour after the other man's arrival. And he definitely hadn't thought that all they'd have done in that time was kiss.

Robert was on his back on the bed with Aaron above him, hovering on his knees so that their bodies couldn't touch. It was all very _safe_, and where Robert may have enjoyed the pace half an hour ago, now it was starting to feel tiring. His mouth was starting to go slack and the areas around it that Aaron's beard scraped against were starting to burn from the friction, but Aaron seemed to still be content; humming into their kisses at some points and occasionally running his thumb up and down Robert's jaw. And despite the two of them merely kissing, Robert could feel himself stirring in his jeans; the heat of Aaron's mouth doing more for him than it probably should've. He wondered how Aaron was managing to restrain himself.

Unable to take it any longer, Robert moved his hands from where they rested on Aaron's back and slowly traced them down to Aaron's sides, pulling at the fabric of his shirt as he tried to move it up and over his body. But for some reason that made Aaron still, body going taught, and he broke the kiss to look at Robert questioningly.

“_What_?” Robert scowled.

“Just checking you're sure,” Aaron said, his voice much deeper than usual.

_Oh_, Robert thought, _so this_ has _been effecting you_.

“Sure?” he asked, incredulous. “What do you think I'm even _here_ for?”

Aaron frowned, moving back to rest on his knees. “Robert, this is your first time-”

“Yes, but I'm not some blushing virgin Aaron! I'm not going to break if you take your top off.”

“No,” Aaron agreed. “But you will if we try anything while you're as tense as you are.”

So Robert had discovered. He'd spent four hours making sure he was clean in that bathroom, but it would've been two if he hadn't had to stop as much as he had; getting himself so aggravated with the process that at times he hadn't even been able to get a finger up there without it burning.

“I'm _not_ tense.”

Robert had never known Aaron to have much patience, especially during their affair, so it was a surprise when Aaron simply sighed and asked calmly, “So why else do you think we've been sat here kissing then?” Even Robert knew he sounded like a child.

“Because you have the libido of an African snail,” he snapped.

Aaron stared him down and, for a second, Robert was afraid he'd pull out of this entirely. But then, “Alright then,” he said. “Get your kit off.”

_Oh._

“Why?” was all he could get out, the command going straight to his dick.

“New tactic,” Aaron said simply, getting off the bed and heading into the bathroom.

For a moment, Robert wondered if Aaron was being serious. But when he emerged shirtless and carrying the towel meant for drying your hands, Robert snapped into action; the speed of which he was taking his clothes off making his movements clumsy, with one of his ankles getting trapped in the ends of his jeans. When he was done, Aaron took the pillow from the other side of the bed and wrapped the towel around it before getting Robert to place it under his hips, acting as a beam made to hold him up.

“What are we doing?” Robert asked, nerves bubbling up as Aaron placed the bag of supplies next to him on the bed.

“You need to relax,” Aaron said. “So I'm going to get you to.”

“But _how_-”

Robert choked on his words. Without word or warning, Aaron had suddenly put his mouth around the head of his cock, the sudden wetness and warmth sending a shock through his body. He sucked slowly at first, keeping a hand around Robert's base as he grew into full hardness, then swallowed more of him down, making Robert grow red all down his chest.

Usually Robert wasn't one to finish fast from head alone, but it had been so long since he'd had a mouth on him, too long, and the fact that it was Aaron's seemed to make it even worse, the sight of Aaron's mouth wrapped obscenely around him sending hot pulses into his cock. Even then, it felt like a live wire had been thread through his body; each suck and lick and graze of teeth sending volt after volt of electricity through him, building the pressure in his groin up to a point that was almost unbearable.

Desperate, he tried to move his hips, feeling like he might die if he didn't cum soon, but Aaron put a firm hand on his hip; holding him down. So instead he grabbed at Aaron's head, threading his fingers through the excessive gel he liked to put in. But his arms were weak from arousal and Aaron seemed to grow stronger the more he worked on him, so all the action was good for was giving Robert a new place of purchase, his other hand being clenched harshly onto the duvet.

“_Aaron_,” he gasped out, needing to fight to get each letter out of him. “If – if you keep. If you keep going then I'll cum. Aaron, you gotta – you gotta _stop_.”

But he didn't. In fact, that seemed to give Aaron more motivation; moving his hand off of Robert's hip to hold his cock firmer as he grew more aggressive in his actions. He sucked harder, moved his head faster, increasing the tension in Robert's body as if he were playing with it. He thought that this would be it, that Aaron was going to kill him. That he would burst into flames in any second, burning the whole hotel down with him. Until, with a harsh twist of Aaron's hand around his base,

“_Shit_.”

He came – _hard_. He arched his back as he felt himself explode, mouth open in a silent scream. It felt as if a part of his soul was leaving his body with it and the knowledge that it was all going into _Aaron_, who's mouth he could feel swallowing around his increasingly sensitive cock, made his body tremble at a pace he didn't know existed.

He must've blacked out, because the next thing he knew his knees were bent over Aaron's shoulders as he leaned over him, making his body bend like a rag doll. Aaron kissed his face gently as Robert wearily came back to the room, and the next thing he was struck by was a strange feeling in his hips. It wasn't the stretch of the angle – he knew what that felt like – but a stretching sensation_ inside_ his hips. As if something was stuffed in there.

_Stuffed in there_.

In blind panic, he moved his hand down to his arse. _Surely Aaron wouldn't have,_ he thought, begged, pleaded. _Not while I was out of it. Not while I couldn't-_

He hadn't. Robert's hand was met with Aaron's wrist, resting right by the curve of Robert's arse.

“I've only put two fingers in,” Aaron explained before kissing his jaw. “Did it while you were cumming. See what can happen when you relax, aye?”

His heart rate immediately slowed down as relief settled in. As it did so Aaron continued leaving his trail of kisses, moving from his jaw to his ear, nibbling on it a little before licking down his cheek, the sensation of it being way too arousing to be normal. It was when Aaron reached Robert's mouth, sucking on his bottom lip hotly, that he started moving his hand.

At first it just felt weird. Not painful, not pleasurable, just _weird_. Somehow it felt different to how it did when Robert was cleaning himself, Aaron's movements feeling more precise, more thought out, than his had. They kept kissing as Aaron fingered him, and as their kisses became more intense so did the stretch of Aaron's fingers, creating that familiar burn inside him.

Robert considered asking Aaron to stop. If this was all it would be, strangeness and burning, then he didn't know if he really wanted it anymore. He was just about to tell him, to ask him if it would get better soon, when suddenly a jolt of pleasure coursed its way from his arse.

“There?” Aaron asked, wide eyed and panting.

Robert nodded vigorously. “_There_.”

They kissed furiously, Aaron's fingers moving so fast Robert worried they might fall off. It was still weird, and the burn didn't fade, but now every bad feeling was rewarded with a dose of pleasure so large it outnumbered all else; leaving him gasping and gripping hard onto Aaron's forearms each time.

As the pleasure increased, Robert's previously limp and tired cock started coming back to life. When it was hard and leaking, trapped in the space between his and Aaron's bellies, Aaron pulled back from their kiss, stilling his fingers.

“You think you're ready yet?” he asked. His face was cherry red and his hair was starting to dampen, the sweat on his face making it shine. If this was how Aaron looked after merely fingering him, then he didn't want to know the state he was in.

“I guess,” he replied, well and truly out of breath. Aaron raised an eyebrow at him, but he didn't know what else to tell him – he had no clue if he was ready or not. Usually when he was on top he pulled his fingers out when his partner snapped at him to get on with it, and mentally... well, he didn't want to give that a chance to ruin this.

“I'm sure,” he tried to say with conviction, before any sort of bad feeling could seep in. “Lets do this.”

Aaron nodded and pulled his fingers out, their exit emitting a loud and slick _pop_ that made them both groan. Having fingers in him had felt weird, but suddenly being empty felt weirder, and as Aaron freed himself of his jeans and retrieved a condom Robert let the tip of his index finger enter his hole, feeling a thick stream of lube seep from within him. The feeling made him shudder; Aaron must've used a lot.

“OK,” Aaron said, moving back into his original position. “I'll go slow, alright?”

It was Robert's turn to nod, although every fear he'd ever had of doing this was currently running amok in his mind. As Aaron spread his legs wider, letting the head of his cock press against Robert's hole, he tried to control his breathing.

_In_.

The head of his cock pushed into Robert's hole, burning lightly as Aaron moaned above him.

_Out_.

A bursting feeling released as the head went all the way in; the two of them sighed together at the feeling.

_In_.

Aaron edged forward, covering Robert's body from head to toe. Trapping him.

_Out_.

The more his cock filled him, the greater he was stretched. Robert had thought that the rim would be the worst bit, but it wasn't, it was _all of it_, the entirety of his hole, the whole of his insides being forced to conform to Aaron's shape.

_In_.

It burned. That was all Robert could think, as he grasped mindlessly at Aaron's back. It burned and burned and burned, and there would be no end to it, no release. Aaron was too big and he was too small, and the fire inside him was going to tear him in half, so that everyone would know what he'd done. They'd know that he-

_Out_.

Aaron's hips pressed against his own. The burning didn't subside, but it did still; stopping in it's tracks. Suddenly, Aaron's face pressed into his neck, his breathing coming in hot, wet gasps against his skin.

“You're doing so well,” he muttered into him. “So, so well. You feel so good around me, so tight. S'perfect.” Aaron's words sounded lost, as if he was saying anything that came into his head. “Gonna take care of ya,” he rambled. “Gonna make ya feel so good.”

And even though he sounded half mad, and Robert was in more pain than he could ever remember being in, the words made his cock throb with desire. He wanted Aaron to look after him. He wanted Aaron to make him feel good. And maybe if Aaron's dick wasn't so far into him that Robert thought it might come out of his mouth then he might've felt more shame at that, but he didn't. He just _wanted._

He took Aaron by the chin and forced their mouths together. The kiss wasn't even a kiss, really, more like the two of them pressing their faces together, but it felt more intimate than any other kiss they'd ever shared before. And they stayed like that until the burning faded into small sparks, until Robert thought that maybe, just maybe, this wouldn't end in flames.

“Can I move?” Aaron eventually slurred against him, voice lazy.

“I'd kill ya if you didn't.”

Afterwards, Robert laid on the bed by himself. Aaron was off running them a bath, and the soft sound of the water running mixed with the distant sound of cars outside as Robert merely stared at the ceiling.

Robert couldn't tell you a single thing about his first man's flat. Not only because it had been dark, and he'd been too drunk, but because he hadn't _wanted_ to remember it. The shame had been too great. Now, though, he'd be dammed if he forgot a single thing about this hotel room. As he stared at the hotel ceiling, he committed everything to memory; every speck of white paint, every strange mark, every individual light bulb. This was something he wanted to remember for decades. This was a memory he wanted to be buried with.

“What's wrong?” Aaron asked, voice full of worry as he walked back into the bedroom. Robert stared at him, confused, to which Aaron explained, “You're crying, Rob.”

_He was?_ Touching his face he realised that he really had been; quite heavily, too. “Oh.”

“Are you alright?” he asked again, sitting carefully beside him. “It wasn't... I didn't-”

“No,” he stopped him. “God, no. It was perfect – _you_ were perfect.”

“Then what is it?”

_Tonight was the best night of my life. You looked after me like I _ deserved _ it, you touched me like I was the only thing that mattered. And it's stupid, and ridiculous, but I never thought I'd ever get to have this; the first time they talk about in films, where it's special and it's with the person you love. And, God, do I love you. I love you so much I think it'll be the end of me sometimes. Even if you never love me again._

Robert shrugged, “Just overwhelmed.”

Aaron smiled softly and tapped a hand on his leg, “Well, lucky for you that's what the baths for,” he said, taking hold of Robert's hand and pulling him up. “Come on then, it's ready.”

“You know,” he said, standing. “I could get used to you bossing me around.” God, he could. He really, really could.

He laughed, “You won't be saying that when I tell ya to pick Liv up from school next week.”

_Even then_, he thought.

Even then.

**Author's Note:**

> I think it's probably important to note that I am both a lesbian and 17 years old, so my knowledge on male genitalia isn't exactly expert-level.  
Also, young gays, remember to prepare yourself before sex. It's not as easy for us as it is for the straights.


End file.
